


Protect Me (I'm Drowning)

by dreamingunderthetstars



Series: Soaring Crows & Fallen Crowns [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotional Abuse, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Language, Physical Abuse, Soulmate AU, mentions of bullying, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 23:19:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6260062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamingunderthetstars/pseuds/dreamingunderthetstars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi Tadashi was always getting saved by Tsukishima Kei – either from schoolyard bullies, his overprotective parents, or his own thoughts. It was easy – very easy – to simply follow his soulmate to the ends of the earth without complaint. It was easy to give Kei the reigns and let the taller male take absolute control. </p>
<p>It was easy. So, so easy.</p>
<p>But Tadashi is drowning in silence (and he doesn’t know what to do anymore)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Protect Me (I'm Drowning)

**Author's Note:**

> I don’t own Haikyuu!! No copyright infringement intended. No money is being made. All rights reserved to Furudate Haruichi. This is the third installment of Soaring Crows & Fallen Crowns. Obviously, this is dealing with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima. I hope you all enjoy! And I apologize for any mistakes.

Tadashi stares at his reflection in his bathroom mirror. He can hear his mother making breakfast, and his father and older brother are conversing in the living room over the stock market. His little sister is in her room, squealing over the latest celebrity news with her friends. There are heavy, black bags underneath his eyes. He’s paler than normal; it’s almost a sickly hue. Exhaustion settles deep in Tadashi’s bones as he leans against his bathroom counter for support.

He feels as if the world is crushing him. He looks like it, too. Flickering thoughts that aren’t his are in his mind. Tsukishima Kei – his soulmate, his other half, his best friend – is quietly thinking about the song that’s playing whilst eating rice and eggs. He’s feeling content but slightly irritable but – then again – Kei is almost always irritated.

Tadashi knows what he feels like. He’s tired and anxiety is crawling up and down his spine. It’s only a matter of time before Kei ponders about it, gently touching the bond that connects them. Tadashi takes deep, controlling breaths to calm his quivering nerves. He can’t worry Kei – not now, not today. Tadashi splashes cold water on his face in order to grasp his bearings but he can feel his control slipping. He can already see his mask cracking.

Someone knocks on the bathroom door. Tadashi’s heart skyrockets and fear wraps tightly around his soul. A sharp second later, Tadashi can feel Kei’s concern and curiosity. “Tadashi,” his little sister – Yamaguchi Asuka – says. “You can come out of the bathroom now.”

“What about –?” Tadashi begins before swallowing heavily. He takes a shaking breath. His fingers are trembling. “Is Shunsuke-nii…?”

“He’s gone,” Asuka tells him softly. “However, mom is wondering why you’re taking so long.”

The ball of relief that curls up Tadashi’s throat makes him want to cry. He opens the bathroom door and gives his little sister a kind, warm smile. He knows the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. Asuka is a tiny slip of a girl for thirteen years of age. She’s sort of like Hinata Shōyō with her endless energy – and just like the Decoy, Asuka channels her energy towards sports. She’s, although only being a second year in middle school, the captain of her basketball team.

Asuka beams at him. Tadashi feels an overwhelming urge to tear up – he’s so happy, so _glad_ , that his little sister is nothing like him. She’s never known how sharp and cutting a peers’ words could be. She’s never understood the darkness that can envelop someone’s heart. She isn’t even aware of the festering peril that snakes throughout their upscale home.

His little sister is everything he can never be.

(And that makes Tadashi relieved, makes him ecstatic because Asuka will never, _ever_ , know the pain he must hide from the world, from his parents, from _Kei_ ).

 “Ma made a feast this morning!” Asuka quips, skipping beside him as they make their way down to the kitchen. “And she made a bento for us.”

“That was thoughtful of her,” Tadashi says. Asuka nods excitedly, dark hair spilling over her shoulders with the movement.

“How’s Tsukki-chan?” Asuka questions.

Tadashi’s lips twitch at the childish nickname that he _knows_ Kei loathes. “He’s doing alright,” Tadashi informs. “Believe it or not but he’s actually liking volleyball now.”

“Really?” Asuka says, beaming. She is bright, like the sun, like half of Tadashi’s volleyball team. “That’s awesome! I can’t wait until I meet my soulmate.”

Tadashi ruffles her hair and says, “You’ll meet them before you know it.”

The morning passes by in a daze for Tadashi. Kei peers at him with prying orbs and concerned thoughts. Tadashi does his best to ease his soulmate but knows he’s failing. Tadashi understands how he looks – exhausted, run down, _tired_. He’s haggard; he wants to go back to sleep, but those wishes can’t be granted. Anxiety pools at the pit of his stomach, inching forward before scuttling away. The panic doesn’t leave him and, by the time lunch has rolled around, worry is persistent from Kei’s side of the bond.

Kei towers over him as they walk through the hallways, side by side. Without a thought, Kei entwines their fingers together and a wave of concern and support circles Tadashi’s chest. **_Wrong, something’s wrong, what is it, tell me, let me fix it,_** Kei thinks, the thoughts rumbling around in Tadashi’s head.

_I’m fine, I promise, just tired,_ Tadashi lies. He isn’t fine. He’s exhausted – not tired. Tired implies being sleepy. Tadashi wants to sink underneath the ground and never resurface. They make their way towards the roof, which is where they mostly spend their lunch hour unless Kei is tutoring Hinata and Kageyama. The roof is quiet with few people sitting around.

Tadashi spots three other teammates on the volleyball team – the Sidelines Crew is what Narita jokingly calls them. He wishes to greet them but Narita, Ennoshita, and Kinoshita seem lost in their own world of three so Tadashi flashes them a grin when he meets one of their eyes and allows Kei to pull him towards a corner for a semblance of privacy.

Kei doesn’t eat lunch (which aggravates Tadashi to no end) so they share the bento box his mother made for him that morning. Tadashi sinks against Kei’s comforting side, burrowing there as if Kei is capable of shielding him from the demons attempting to drag him under. As usual, Kei shares his earbuds as some band begins playing from his music player.

Tadashi isn’t into music that much (unless it’s instrumental) but he doesn’t complain and closes his eyes, leaning his head against Kei’s side.

_Kei stands in front of him, hands curled into fists, eyes narrowed with biting ire. Tadashi has never seen his soulmate look so infuriated before. There are two other children before them – once before, they were towering, spiteful beasts but now they are nothing more than cowering puppies in the face of a true wolf intent on drawing blood._

_Kei’s voice is clipped but controlled as he spits out, “What do you think you’re doing? Huh? Didn’t I tell you to leave Yamaguchi alone? Didn’t I?”_

_“Y-You did,” one of them speaks. This one has dark red hair that curls at the tips of his ears. Tadashi doesn’t remember his name – doesn’t want to, really._

_The second one – with the standard dark hair and eyes – scrunches up his face. “You can’t tell us what to do, Tsukishima,” he says pompously. “Yamaguchi’s such a girl – always crying like one!”_

_Tadashi flinches and tries to curl into himself. There is anger that boils in his chest as well as indignation and hatred. Such violent, putrid hate that seems to choke his throat. Tadashi’s subsequent panic and worry causes the hate to recede – only slightly – but the anger is still there. Still boiling. Still festering like a deep, cutting wound._

_Kei gives a wicked smile as he lumbers forward. For a ten-year-old, his soulmates’ movements are calculated and controlled – a predator stalking towards their desired prey. That’s what Tsukishima Kei looks like. The dark-haired bully – who had previously threatened to slit Tadashi’s throat – and the redhead – who had only roughened Tadashi up and ripped the pages out of his favorite book – both look as though they wish the earth would swallow them whole._

_Tadashi thinks one of them is about to wet their pants._

_“How about I make you cry like a girl?” Kei snarls, lips twisting into something sadistic. Tadashi knows he should feel terrified, should be quaking, at the sight Kei is making but all he feels is the sense of being loved and protected._

_Although he knows it’s wrong, Tadashi wants Kei to rip them to pieces. Make them bleed, he thinks, make them cry. Make them hurt like me._

_Kei pounces a second after the thought registers in Tadashi’s mind._

It isn’t as though Tadashi likes keeping secrets from his soulmate. Tadashi’s just terrified of the outcomes it would cause. To outsiders, Kei appears calm, collected, and controlled but Tadashi has seen the demon that crawls out of Kei’s skin whenever he’s threatened. He’s seen Kei’s knuckles bruised and bloody. He’s seen the wild hatred that burrows deep in Kei’s eyes whenever someone hurts him. He’s heard the spewing words that cut people down into scattered pieces that pour out of Kei’s mouth.

Tsukishima Kei is overprotective of Tadashi – however it isn’t as stifling as his parents. Kei knows when to back down, he knows when Tadashi’s getting overwhelmed, he knows when it’s time for comfort or when it’s time to knock someone’s teeth out. His parents have yet to learn when and where to cease their smothering.

Kei plasters his fingers in Tadashi’s hair. It’s a calming, grounding touch. Tadashi squeezes his hand to show his gratefulness.

If Tsukishima Kei knew of the darkness that grows and crawls throughout the Yamaguchi household, if he knew the secret that haunts Tadashi’s shadows, if he ever figured it out then there would be nothing, absolutely _nothing,_ that would be able to stop Tsukishima Kei from burning the world to the ground. Tadashi will do anything to keep his secret just that – _his_.

The rest of the day blends together. Practice is normal, in which Tadashi is grateful for it, though it is slightly unnerving for their libero to be so quiet instead of the endless ball of energy he’s used to. It was Asahi who explained Nishinoya’s depression and how he was trying to keep it a secret from them all a few days ago. Neither of the two told the team why the Guardian Deity was in crutches but no one pried, though Sugawara hovered over the small second-year whenever there was a break.

All of them were supportive – especially Tanaka, who had suspected but didn’t have enough evidence. The bald second year was almost inconsolable the day they were told. It took Shimizu hugging him to calm him down. That action made Tadashi think they were soulmates or a couple, at least. It wasn’t odd for someone to have a romantic relationship with someone that wasn’t their soulmate.

As Tadashi battles his anxiety that cloaks him, Kei’s presence is comforting and warm. Tadashi would gladly get lost in the thought of Kei, would lose himself too. Practice ends and the team ambles towards the Foothill Store meat and pork buns. “I’m paying,” their captain says, eyes daring anyone to disagree. No one does. (“It’s free food, why would I argue?” Tanaka says in the background).

Tadashi eats his pork bun and tries to quell his trembling nerves. He does his best to blank out any thoughts of going home, of what might await him when he crosses the threshold of his too-big-too-extravagant house. Kei is content as he eats his food and observes their teammates joking around after another tiring practice. As usual, Hinata and Kageyama are in their own world, bickering with one another about something asinine. The triad of Karasuno – Ennoshita, Kinoshita, and Narita – are pressing against one another so closely Tadashi thinks their trying to become an amorphous blob. Tanaka is pulling a laugh out of Nishinoya’s lips as Asahi, Sugawara, and Daichi converse with one another over applications.

It makes Tadashi smile.

The text he receives five minutes later causes his anxiety to spike and dread grasps his ankles like an iron ball. There is no smile on his trembling lips.

Kei breathes through his nose as they walk towards their neighborhood and, since there is no one around, pauses to embrace Tadashi in a calming hug. Tadashi grips his soulmate tight, as if to say goodbye. The stars glisten in the darkened sky, and the moon seems to smile down at them. Alarm, affection, and a myriad of other emotions pool in Tadashi’s chest.

**_Wrong. What’s wrong? Dammit, Tadashi, tell me. Let me in._ **

_I’m fine. I’m sorry. I’m fine, I swear. I promise. I’m okay._

**_Liar,_** Kei thinks but there’s a brush of adoration against Tadashi’s soul that makes him relieved. Tadashi hates it whenever Kei is irritated at him. **_I’m here, I’m always here, love, I love you, Tadashi._**

_Love you, love you too, love you to the moon and back,_ Tadashi thinks back. He loves Kei, not just because their soulmates. He loves the way Kei observes and analyzes the world around him. He loves the way Kei’s laugh and smile lights his eyes. He loves the way Kei hugs him, the way Kei speaks, the way he creates playlists for him. Their young, is what other people think, despite being soulmates. They shouldn’t know what love even _is_ except for the platonic type. However, Tadashi is truly, irrevocably, in love with Tsukishima Kei, and he isn’t afraid to show it. He would never hide how he feels for his soulmate. He loves Kei with every particle of him, of his soul.

Soon, however, Kei pulls away from Tadashi. It’s too late and they both have to get home before their parents (i.e., Tadashi’s parents) create a search group. They live two blocks apart and separate at the intersection where Tadashi goes right and Kei keeps walking straight.

“See you tomorrow,” Kei says, giving Tadashi a smile only he is allowed to see.

Tadashi grins back at his soulmate, feeling their souls bend and dance between them. “See you,” Tadashi promises. Kei provides a security blanket to Tadashi, a way for him to block out the rest of the world, but, as he watches Kei amble home, the blanket is gone and has left him bereft and susceptible to the cruelty he is about to face.

His parents aren’t home as Tadashi encroaches closer to his house. He can see Asuka’s bike leaning against the front porch, and Shunsuke’s car is in the driveway. Panic and fear flare in Tadashi’s chest as he practically runs towards his front door. He’s trembling as he opens his front door, quietly announcing his presence. Tadashi takes off his shoes and listens intently.

He can hear the television on but there’s no yelling, no screaming. He breathes out a sigh of relief. Hopefully, Shunsuke ignored Asuka’s existence like normal while he wasn’t home. A deep, frightened chill settles in his bones as he makes his way upstairs, to Asuka’s bedroom. To check up on her, he tells himself, to make sure that everything is okay.

To make sure that there are no bruises littering her skin like a canvas.

“Asuka,” Tadashi greets warmly as he opens her door. His relief is almost palpable as he spots her lying on her bed, reading the latest sports magazine. Asuka beams at him.

“Welcome home!” She says, bright and vivacious. “Your dinner is in the fridge and Shunsuke-nii wants to speak with you after you take a shower and everything.”

Tadashi wants nothing more than to sink underneath the ground. “Where is he?” he questions, grateful that his voice doesn’t quiver.

“In the living room. He’s watching some rom-com, I think,” Asuka replies.

Tadashi nods and leaves his little sister to browsing the magazine. Carefully, slowly, once he’s done in the bathroom, Tadashi makes his way towards the living room where his older brother awaits him. He takes deep, controlling breaths and manages to wrangle his anxiety down to a level that Kei wouldn’t be suspicious of.

Ever since he was little, Tadashi has always had problems with anxiety.

Yamaguchi Shunsuke was only nineteen years of age, taking a leap year before going off for the life of a college student. Ever since Tadashi was small, Shunsuke had been a part of the family in such a seamless way, it was easy to forget that the male was a cousin instead of an older brother. He towered over almost everyone in the family, standing at almost six foot two. He had the same freckles that scattered across the bridge of Tadashi’s nose. To outsiders, Shunsuke is a caring, considerate brother figure who carefully nurtures his younger cousins. He’s a baseball prodigy and aspires to become a marine biologist.

“Shunsuke-nii,” Tadashi greets his cousin softly, peering intently at his socked feet.

Shunsuke pauses the movie and gets to his feet.

To outsiders, Shunsuke is a polite, easy going young adult. To outsiders, Shunsuke is someone who will gladly sacrifice his life so that the ones’ he loves can live. To outsiders, Shunsuke seems like the perfect soulmate, and anyone would be lucky to have him. To outsiders, Shunsuke can do nothing wrong. To outsiders, Shunsuke is perfection personified.

Tadashi cowers, shrinking into himself, before he lets his mind detach and drift into a world that’s much more pleasant. He dreams of Kei’s laughing beam, eyes shining with happiness. His cousin approaches but Tadashi is too far gone into himself to feel anything, notice anything, except for his little dreamland.

To outsiders, Shunsuke is the perfect older brother figure.

Tadashi blinks to awareness, limbs aching and trembling. He’s curled up in a ball against the wall. Shunsuke is sprawled on the couch, watching the movie, ignoring his existence entirely. His back aches something awful but he sees the splotches of blood staining the living room floor. Gingerly, Tadashi touches his back with shaking fingers. He peers at them. There is blood – _his blood_ – dripping on his fingers.

To Tadashi, Shunsuke is a monster hiding behind an impeccable façade.

“Tadashi,” Shunsuke speaks, his voice hard and cold. Tadashi freezes; he shakes as if he were a child peering up at the face of a kidnapper. “I want you home by ten next time. Am I understood? Verbal answer, please.”

“Y-Yes, I-I-I understand, S-Shunsuke-nii,” Tadashi says, waiting for his brother to either dismiss him or continue speaking.

“Get out of my sight,” is the curt response.

“Yes, Shunsuke-nii.”

_Tadashi wraps Kei’s hand in a bandage. It isn’t broken, thankfully, but the blonde’s knuckles are bruises and bloody. Tadashi frets over him in his bedroom, making sure that his door was closed. It wouldn’t do for someone to peer in and ask prying questions. Although Tadashi wants to admonish his soulmate for getting into a fight, he can’t help but feel a gleam of satisfaction._

_“Be more careful,” Tadashi scolds Kei. “I don’t want you to get into trouble.”_

_“Whatever,” Kei says. “People need to stop bullying you. No one is allowed to hurt you.”_

_Tadashi stares at his wooden floorboards. “You can’t protect me from everything,” Tadashi whispers as he remembers harsh, biting words accompanying flying fists and legs. “That’s impossible.”_

_“I can,” Kei promises, holding Tadashi’s face and peering into his soulmate’s orbs. “I can protect you from everything if you let me in, if you let me know what’s going on. I can’t protect you if you don’t tell me anything.”_

_Tadashi blinks. Tears prickle his eyes. “Kei,” he whispers, his lips trembling._

_Kei gives him a warm smile. “I’ll protect you, Tadashi. I’ll always chase away the monsters in your nightmares.”_

It’s inevitable – the questions, the gawks. The team is in their small club room getting ready for morning practice. Tadashi is the only one who has yet to undress and change. No one except for Kei and Sugawara has really noticed as Tadashi pretends to busy himself by rummaging through his bag, extending his time. There are bandages wrapped around his torso. There are bruises littering his arms and legs.

He trembles silently.

There will be too many questions and Kei—Tadashi shakes just by the _thought_ of what Kei would do, think, say. As if responding to his flurry of thoughts, Kei asks him, quietly, “What’s wrong? Did you forget your clothes?”

Tadashi wants to lie. He wants to _say yes_ but there are many people on the team that are his size (and there’s also the fact that Kei knows Tadashi would never leave his house if he wasn’t fully prepared) so lying would become a moot point regardless. Tadashi understands that Kei is referring to the vice grip anxiety has on him that morning.

“I’m fine,” Tadashi lies, like always. The lies are slipping effortlessly off his tongue these days.

Tanaka’s sudden, boisterous, voice make him jump. “Oi! Yamaguchi! Why are you taking so long?”

“S-Sorry,” Tadashi stutters, gaining him soft smiles from the rest of the room.

“Lost in your thoughts?” Narita teases.

“Sort of,” Tadashi says before taking a deep breath. _Let’s just get this over with,_ Tadashi thinks as he pulls his shirt off and steps out of his pants. The subsequent wave of wrath, concern, _hatred_ makes him choke. Tadashi already knows the picture he’s making in that moment. He pretends he doesn’t know that the room has gone deathly silent as they stare at his bruised body, and gets ready with slow, calculating movements.

Surprisingly, it’s Sugawara that’s the first to react.

“Yamaguchi,” he says, tentative, but his eyes are firm. “What happened?”

Tadashi looks up from his duffel bag and blinks at the room. “N-Nothing,” he says, cursing himself for stuttering.

“That doesn’t look like _nothing_ to me,” Tanaka practically roars, leaping to his feet. His eyes look wild and dangerous. “Who hurt you? I’ll kill them!”

“Not if I get to them first,” says Kei, his voice soft and perilous, carrying over the room. His soulmate peers at him, and Tadashi can see flickers of the demon inside of Kei rumbling to life. “Are you being bullied again and not telling me?”

“B-Bully—,” Daichi splutters. Anger sprawls over the captains’ face, most likely being too furious to string together a complete, grammatically correct sentence.

“I’m not being bullied,” Tadashi hurries to soothe their anger with anxious movements. “Honestly, I’m fine. I promise. I’m not being bullied, I swear, Tsukki.”

Kei fixes his jaw. His eyes are still cold. The demon is still waking. “Why are their bandages wrapped around your torso then?”

Thankfully, Coach Ukai knocks on the door sharply and orders them all to get into the gym or else. As they all move out of the clubroom, Tadashi tries not to let his relief get to the point of overwhelming. By Kei’s sharp glance, he knows he isn’t successful. He doesn’t know if he can practice in his condition, however. He really didn’t want to reopen any of his cuts.

Sugawara rectified this by quietly informing the coach and Takeda-sensei of his condition. He was directed to the sidelines with Nishinoya. They watch practice commence in silence. It isn’t until the team begins spiking drills that his senpai speaks.

“I won’t ask who did it,” Nishinoya says softly, well aware of the many ears in the vicinity. “I won’t pry you to tell me. I’m here, though, Yamaguchi. If you can’t tell Tsukishima, you can tell me. You can tell any of us. We’re here for you.”

There was something in Nishinoya’s eyes, something that made Tadashi think that the libero knew exactly what he was going through.

“Thank you, Nishinoya-senpai,” Tadashi says. “But I’m fine.”

He’s _fine_. He’s _okay_. There is nothing wrong.

The morning is a kaleidoscope of colors to Tadashi’s eyes. He smiles and lies his way through lunch, through Kei’s thoughts, through the inquisitive eyes, and probing questions. Tadashi makes sure to smother his flinches whenever a classmate gets too loud or angry. He can’t lie with his emotions, he knows that much, and Kei’s touch against his soul is constant throughout his lessons.

Tadashi is a ball of anxiety and hurt.

Kei is a whirlwind of offence and rage.

**_Let me in, let me in, let me in, let me help, please, please,_** Kei thinks, pleading with Tadashi. Tadashi’s thoughts are filled with insipid things – the grocery list, mathematical equations, algorithms – so that Kei would be unable to grasp the fleeting thoughts dealing with the previous night and one Yamaguchi Shunsuke.

_I’m sorry, so sorry, I’m fine, I swear, I’m okay, I’m sorry,_ Tadashi thinks, burying his face against his soulmate’s chest, in Kei’s arms, closing his eye. Tadashi knows that the Triad of Karasuno was on the rooftop, keeping an eye on the two of them out of pure concern for his state of health. _I’m sorry,_ Tadashi apologizes but doesn’t elaborate on the subjects he can’t explain. Won’t explain.

(Because if he does – if he does tell Kei – then Kei will rip his cousin to shreds. And Tadashi doesn’t know if he’d be able to tell his soulmate to stop).

“I’m coming over,” Kei tells him during one of the breaks at practice. His tone brooks no argument.

Tadashi hopes Shunsuke isn’t home by the time practice ends.

_Tadashi blinks in his reflection. There are dark edges around his eyes, showing his exhaustion. His parents think he’s having nightmares; they think he’s being bullied; they think he needs to see a doctor about his anxiety._

_He is only eight years old._

_The world is painted with angry colors and choking clouds. Tadashi is alive but he feels as though he’s dead. The only thing that allows him to drift is his soulmate – a boy named Kei, a boy he hasn’t met yet – and the emotions that aren’t his own that flutter through his veins, pool in his chest, fill up the emptiness he feels in his soul._

_“There is something wrong with Tadashi,” he hears his parents whisper to one another in the kitchen, late at night, when good little children are supposed to be tucked into beds. “He needs help. Help we can’t give him.”_

_“What’s wrong with him?” his mother asks, quietly sobbing. “I want to know why my baby is so sad.”_

_Asuka is leaning against his forearm, eavesdropping as well. Her small, chubby fingers entwine with his and she gives him a comforting squeeze followed by a warming grin that makes Tadashi want to cry._

_“I don’t know, Sawako,” his father replies, moving from his seat to wrap his arms around his wife. “But we’ll find him a professional. We’ll help him heal from – whatever this is. And we’ll support him. We’ll be there for him. We won’t leave him.”_

_His parents are in the kitchen for a while, leaning against one another for support. Tears slowly, silently, fall down his cheeks as Asuka presses her arms around him. The presence of his little sister gives Tadashi comfort, comfort he never thought he needed, wanted. He closes his eyes and tries not to think about how Asuka’s arms are pressing against the bruises tainting his skin._

_Tadashi is drowning, and he doesn’t know if he can swim._

His mother is quietly humming to herself as Tadashi and Kei enter the Yamaguchi household. She beams at them – a beautiful woman of forty-two, dark eyes glittering with warmth and kindness – when they enter the kitchen to properly announce their presence. “Kei!” his mother greets brightly. “I haven’t seen you around in such a long time! How’s Karasuno?”

“It’s good,” Kei replies.

His mother wrangles Kei into a conversation via Inquisition. Tadashi drifts out of the kitchen to find Asuka and make sure that nothing was amiss. Tadashi would never forgive himself if Asuka got hurt. He finds his little sister in her room, surrounded by two other teenage girls. Tadashi recognizes the two girls as Asuka’s best friends – Nakagawa Yumi and Miyamoto Kotone – since preschool. At first glance, one would think that the three girls would know nothing of the others’ existence.

Asuka was illuminant, like the sun, with the same beautiful features as her mother, and she was extremely athletic. Nakagawa was quiet, a little taller than Asuka’s five feet, but, instead of being an athlete, she was a violinist. Miyamoto was the tallest out of the trio and had dark red hair that shimmered down to her knees; she was a bookworm and preferred reading a novel to watching a game or attend a recital. Sometimes, if it wasn’t for Asuka accidentally throwing a shovel at Miyamoto’s face and then subsequently tripping over Nakagawa during recess on her first day of school (sending all three of them to the infirmary), Tadashi wonders how they would’ve became friends.

Asuka is the first to notice him. She brightens when she lays her eyes on him, grinning. “Tadashi-nii!” Asuka smiles. “How was volleyball practice?”

“Exhausting,” Tadashi says. The trio of girls laugh as though he were exaggerating. He really, really wasn’t. “How are you, Nakagawa-chan? Miyamoto-chan?”

“I’m doing well, Tadashi-senpai,” Miyamoto replies, prim and proper.

Nakagawa scrunches her nose up at Miyamoto, mumbling, “so proper,” before turning to Tadashi. “I’m alright,” she says, “I have this huge piece to memorize by Monday. It’s torture!”

Asuka snickers at the girls’ plight.

Sometimes, whenever Tadashi observes the trio of girls, thoughts of Triads enter his mind. What would Asuka’s world be like if Miyamoto and Nakagawa were her soulmates? Would she be different? Would she still be the same bright, cheerful, point guard/captain of her basketball team? Would Miyamoto still prefer solitude over company? Would Nakagawa obsess over her violin pieces on a weekly basis?

Sometimes, Tadashi likes to think of how different the world would be if someone took another path, chose a different ring, a different choice of study.

Sometimes, Tadashi’s wonders what his life would’ve been life is Shunsuke had never been born.

When he leaves the girls to their own devices, he finds Kei in his bedroom. Homework is sprawled out neatly on Tadashi’s extra desk, solely there for Kei’s use, and Kei is hunched over mathematical equations. His thoughts echoing strongly in Tadashi’s mind. Tadashi takes out his own homework and they work in peaceful harmony.

Once Tadashi was finished with biology, he turned to his soulmate and asked, “Are you sleeping over?”

Kei looked pensive, his thoughts were full of various responses and what-ifs and such, so Tadashi waited patiently until Kei shook his head. “Akiteru-nii is home,” Kei sighs, “He wants to do some – brotherly – bonding.”

Tadashi smothers his instinctive snort and responds, “Have fun, Kei.”

Kei lets out a small, vibrant, laugh.

Small though it was, the laugh, somehow, managed to give Tadashi a hope he thought he never needed.

The days blur together, blending in seamlessly as they turn into weeks and weekends. Tadashi feels as though he’s walking through water on a day-to-day basis (whenever he’s aware, that is). The waves crash against him, sometimes its touch is as gentle as a whisper and sometimes it is as harsh as a raging storm, and drag him underneath the sea.

Tadashi doesn’t bother trying to swim anymore.

Shunsuke seems to be irater than normal, lashing out at the simplest of things, intent on forcing Tadashi’s skin to become his canvas. His parents are worrying, peering at him with troubled orbs and mouths that ask, “Tadashi, do we need to make an appointment?” Asuka grows a little more silent, a little more mature, observant, as Nakagawa and Miyamoto make their own little niches in the household. Kei is hovering around him nowadays, his soul alight with **_concern, worry, pain, hurt, rage, hatred, hopelessness,_** and thoughts at midnight of **_let me in, let me help, please Tadashi, you’re hurting, I love you, I love you, let me help you._**

_I love you too. I’m okay. I’m fine. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Kei,_ is all Tadashi is capable of responding with.

His teammates are brimming with concern and their own forms of helplessness. They assume he’s being tormented by a random group of peers, and Tadashi can see the protective gleam in their orbs. Tadashi wishes he could tell them it is just a horrible spell, that he is going to get more medication, that he is going to a psychologist, that this was an episode he’d get sucked into at random intervals. He wants to tell them that he was _okay,_ that he was going to _live_ , but Tadashi doesn’t remember the definition of being okay nor what it means to be alive. He’s tired of lying, anyway.

He’s drowning. He’s suffering. He’s silent.

(and he doesn’t know what to do anymore).

He trudges through the hallways of Karasuno in a familiar daze, limbs aching, thoughts too numb for Kei to decode, drifting as if he were a ghost tethered to the earth. Kei was tutoring Hinata and Kageyama but Tadashi felt too restless sitting in the classroom. He, also, didn’t want to be around the Decoy and King with their unsubtle attempts at prying him open for information.

The two were so transparent that they deserved a medal for it.

Tadashi sits down on a dry patch of grass underneath a tree big enough to provide shade. He doesn’t touch eat seeing as how he left his bento in his classroom. He curls in on himself, knees tucked underneath his chin, and he watches the world spin around him. He can feel his secrets flicker underneath his skin, ripe for the picking if anyone peered close enough. However, Tadashi will keep silent.

(Because if Kei finds out – if Kei _knows_ –)

Tadashi does not want his soulmate to have blood on his hands.

_The boy is bawling, crumbling on his knees, as fear, agony, and grief flash across his face. Asuka is trembling as she presses against Tadashi, her small hands gripping the front of his shirt. His father is trying, vainly, to offer comfort to the bawling boy. Yamaguchi Shunsuke, Tadashi remembers his mother telling him about his cousin – the one who was living with them because his parents couldn’t support him anymore._

_Tadashi is six years old and anxious, Asuka is four and vivacious, Shunsuke is ten and suffering._

_His mother ushers Tadashi and his little sister to bed, despite it being four in the afternoon. As she helps the dress in their nightclothes, Tadashi feels his soulmate slither in and out of his veins, his chest, his soul. He closes his eyes, basking in the comfort, in the love, in the safety._

_It’s shattered by Shunsuke’s sobs that have spiraled into shrill screams._

_Asuka becomes inconsolable as their mother rushes to assist their father. Tadashi doesn’t understand what’s going on entirely but he cuddles with Asuka on his bed, giving her comfort only an older brother can survive. He begins to create a story for his little sister from the edges of his mind – the Yamaguchi Kingdom, the Princess Asuka, the Prince Tadashi, ruling the world with their nameless, faceless soulmates by their side. She falls asleep by the time the Dwarves have laid siege to a small village._

_It is only then that Tadashi allows himself to tremble and cry; Shunsuke’s piercing, grievous, sobbing cries echo hauntingly throughout the house._

_Tadashi is six and terrified, Asuka is four and puzzled, Shunsuke is ten and grieving._

_Everything changed then. His parents walked around Shunsuke as though he were breakable china. Asuka doesn’t change much, except to become quieter whenever Shunsuke is in proximity, and Tadashi watches the world spin like normal, feeling anxiety snake around his ankles._

_“I’m sorry, Shunsuke,” his mother whispers when Shunsuke’s sobs have tapered off to broken whimpers. Somehow, her voice echoes throughout the house. “But she’s dead. Kikuchi Mika is dead.”_

_In the dead of the night, Tadashi’s mind drifts and he remembers._

_Shunsuke once showed him a picture back when he was full of bright smiles and mirth. “See her?” he says, beaming, exultant. The girl in the picture has smiling, sky blue eyes, dark hair, and pretty features. Tadashi thinks she looks like a doll. “This is Kikuchi Mika – she’s my soulmate. You know what a soulmate is, right, Dashi?”_

_Tadashi is six and trembling, Asuka is four and quiet, Shunsuke is ten and crumbling._

_Kikuchi Mika is ten and dead._

Tadashi trembles, curling in a protective ball as Shunsuke rages before him. Tadashi makes sure that he makes no sound, no noise, and doesn’t cause Kei any sort of alarm. He’s given up struggling, he’s long since fought back, so Tadashi cowers and waits. Waits for the suffering to cease temporarily, waits for the bruises to stop aching, waits for the world to stop spinning.

There is no one home (Asuka is out with Nakagawa and Miyamoto, his mother is shopping, his father is personally searching for psychologists, and Kei is doing out-of-class tutoring for the Dynamic Duo of Karasuno – not because he wanted to, no, Daichi threatened – _asked_ him to do it) except for him and a monster whose façade is shattering in pieces.

Tadashi understands why Shunsuke is increasingly violent and a tight ball of vehement energy. It’s been nine years since Kikuchi Mika died in a snow storm. It’s been nine years since Shunsuke was a ten-year-old child howling in agony in the middle of Tadashi’s foyer. It’s been nine years since Shunsuke truly, properly, _smiled_.

Slowly, the storm that is Yamaguchi Shunsuke dries itself out. Shunsuke collapses on one of the armchairs in the living room, peering at the romantic comedy playing on the television. Tadashi watches his cousin intently, observing for signs of chaos and destruction, and witnesses his cousins’ mask crumble. Tears cascade down his cousins’ face as he buries his face in his hands.

“Mika loved rom-coms,” Shunsuke sobs – no, _wails_. “She loved romance, she loved spring, she loved cherry blossoms…”

_I would’ve loved to meet her,_ Tadashi whispers in his mind. There is a flash of curiosity from Kei; the thought must’ve transmitted. _Too bad she’s a ten-year-old forever._

Tadashi climbs to his feet on quivering feet. Although he despises his cousin (Tadashi loathes Shunsuke, _loathes him with every part of his soul for what his cousin has done to him, has taken away from him_ ), Tadashi can’t, in all good conscience, watch the man suffer whilst watching daytime movies. His feet shuffle across his floorboards before he can grasp control of his limbs.

“S-Shunsuke-nii,” Tadashi manages to croak. His throat is burning, albeit a soft burn. He should really drink some water when this was all done with. “It’s ok—,”

“Get out!” Shunsuke bellows, eyes flaming with anger and sorrow, lashing out once more, his hand outstretched and searching for an opened target. “Get out of my fucking sight, Tadashi! Leave!”

The side of his face burning and aching, Tadashi wastes no time in getting away.

Grief changes people. It changes schemas and perspectives. It changes history books and letters. It changes the world and the stars. Grief changes the mind and warps the soul. It bends and twists and aches as it festers inside of someone’s heart. It never leaves, only stalemate, as the griever tries to remember life without that certain someone. Sometimes, grief allows people to mature and move on. Sometimes, grief tethers a person to poisonous what-ifs and maybes and forgotten goodbyes.

Grief changed Shunsuke, morphing him into a monster.

Tadashi is still grateful, still glad, that Asuka is nothing like him. Because Asuka was bright and sprightly. She was beautiful and stunning. She was a bundle of joy and energy – she was like the burning sun, like Hinata. She wasn’t Tadashi – therefore, she would never grasp Shunsuke’s violent attention. The only ache his little sister would know would be the aches and pains of her sport. The only suffering she’d know is when she loses. Tadashi hopes she never experiences drowning the way he does.

Late that night, as summer heat billowed from the sidewalks and cicadas crackled in the trees, Nakagawa peered at him with intelligent orbs. The way she stares begins to make Tadashi more anxious than normal. Asuka and Miyamoto are in the room with all the musical equipment and soundproof walls. Shunsuke left after the rom-com ended to get wasted on alcohol and the memory of Mika’s fading smile. His parents left around five, with instructions on what to order for dinner, as they themselves had a reservation at a fancy restaurant.

“Is something wrong, Nakagawa-chan?” he asks, because it’s the polite thing to do.

She stares, silent for a moment, before she says, softly, “Someone in this house is hurting you, aren’t they?”

Fear grips his heart at an alarming speed. Kei’s alarm pings to awareness only seconds afterwards. Tadashi breathes in and out, apologizing to Kei in his thoughts, as he wrangles his emotions down to a more acceptable level. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Nakagawa-chan,” Tadashi says as evasively as he possibly can.

“I know what you’re trying to do,” she whispers. “You’re protecting Asuka-chan by keeping silent, right? Is that why you always encourage her to be out of the house?”

Tadashi fixes his jaw, continues his stream of apologizing thoughts, and doesn’t respond.

“You can’t protect her from everything.”

_“You can’t protect me from everything, Kei.”_

“Stop suffering in silence, Tadashi-nii,” Nakagawa murmurs. Her eyes are too forlorn, too distant, to belong on a thirteen-year-old violinist. “It’ll crush Asuka-chan even more, you know?”

Tadashi is fifteen and dying a little every waking moment. Asuka is thirteen and soaring with passion and vivacity. Shunsuke is nineteen and slowly killing him with every lunging fist.

He descends into a fitful rest, his limbs slowly dragging him underneath a sea of dysphoria, and his lungs making his harder for him to breathe. His thoughts are swirling with Asuka and his hopes that she would never stop living, never stop breathing, never stop swimming. They are filled with Kei and his smile that brims with all the emotions his soul can’t contain. Tadashi goes to sleep with Kei whispering, **_I love you, I love you, let me in, let me help, I love you so fucking much it hurts, Tadashi, it hurts._**

The secrets flicker in and out of his veins but Tadashi won’t let them leave, won’t let them spill out of his skin like trickles of blood. Not yet. Not now. Not when he has so many things he wants to keep and too many things he can’t bear to lose. A part of him that grows with each waking moment yearns to release the secret tethering him, but Tadashi has been silent for years and he doesn’t know what to say.

He is suffering in silence. (And he doesn’t know what to do anymore).

Fortunately – or unfortunately, depending on how one looks at it – someone takes that decision out of his hands.

Tadashi doesn’t truly remember how the events played out. He entered his house like normal. Asuka was home, with two other bicycles leaning against the porch, and Shunsuke was in the living room with another rom-com on the television. The Triad is holed up in Asuka’s room and, as he enters his own, he can hear them giggling to one another. He ponders on what their discussing as he sets down his bag at his desk and looks for his first aid kit.

He senses Shunsuke approaching before he sees the nineteen-year-old. His world is swallowed by piercing agony (and sharp, sharp, pangs of Kei’s emotions whirling in his chest: **_alarmed, terrified, irate, worried_** ) as he crumbles to the ground, scuttling backwards as best as he could. His thoughts were whirling in all directions and his anxiety threatened to drown his lungs.

The giggles in Asuka’s room quiet.

Shunsuke towers over him, rage and a deep, biting loathing stretched over his face, over freckles that are so similar to Tadashi’s own that it hurts to look at them. Tadashi feels himself detach but he’s dreadfully unprepared and gets shocked back to earth by each staggering jolt of pain. He curls up in a ball, his normal defensive stance, right as Shunsuke begins to snarl insults in which would begin a barrage of intolerable _hurt_.

His door is slammed open by a saving grace. Hope swells in his chest but terror soon engulfs it whole – oh, God, was that _Kei_ –?

It wasn’t.

His sister – his baby sister – stood in his doorway, the hallway light cast around her like a halo, daring and perilous as her face scrunches up in a rage. Before Shunsuke can react, before Tadashi’s mind can comprehend what’s going on, Asuka lunges with a, “Don’t you fucking touch my onii-chan, you bastard!”

Nakagawa and Miyamoto flood his room as well. Miyamoto no longer looks like the quiet child who prefers books to chatter. She joins Asuka in the foray. Nakagawa helps him get a safe-ish distance away from the commencing brawl as she quietly speaks to his parents in the phone. Tadashi’s mind drifts to and fro but he’s still painfully aware of the world around him when Kei—

Tadashi wants to cry. He wants to unleash the most sorrowful wail that boils in the pit of his stomach but he doesn’t. He keeps quiet – because that’s the only thing Tadashi can do properly.

Kei crashes into his room with eyes wide and burning. “I’m going to kill you,” his soulmate says, voice dark and perilous. Tadashi can’t even explain the look sprawling over Kei’s face as he stares at Shunsuke. “I’m going to _fucking kill you!”_

In the end, it takes his parents, Hinata, and Kageyama (who were, apparently, studying with Kei once again for an upcoming history exam when all of this happened) to pull Kei off of Shunsuke. Tadashi hardly thinks his cousin is even recognizable. There is blood – his and Shunsuke’s – staining his floor in puddles. He doesn’t respond when eyes peer at his trembling silhouette – he just curls in an even tighter ball, protecting all vital organs until he _knows_ it’s safe to relax.

(Until he knows Shunsuke isn’t going to get back up).

“Tadashi,” his father begins, swallowing the sobs in his throat. Tadashi tries to curl into a smaller ball – which probably isn’t possible. Probably. “Tadashi – why didn’t you – why – why didn’t you tell us?”

“How long?” Kei’s voice is soft but holding the promise of continuing Shunsuke’s beating. The fact that his cousin was unconscious and in a puddle of his own blood didn’t matter to Kei. “How long, Tadashi?”

But Tadashi doesn’t respond. He trembles. He aches. He whispers, _I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry, forgive me, I’m sorry_ in his mind. His room quivers with silence, with anticipation, with everyone’s heavy breathing as they await a response, a reaction, a _something_ from Tadashi.

It begins quietly, like everything does in his life, before it spirals into something that presses against his chest and begins to drown him as he lays there, broken and in pieces.

**_Tadashi, let me in, let me help, please, God, I want to help, I want to ease your pain, I love you, I love you, let me help, please, please, stop suffering in silence, please,_** Kei begs him mentally.

Something inside of Tadashi crumbles, breaks, and snaps.

Heart wrenching, harrowing sobs began to spill out of Tadashi’s lips.

It’s only a split second before he feels Kei’s arms wrap around him protectively, comfortingly, lovingly. Tadashi grips the front of his soulmates’ shirt, like Asuka had done to him the day they uncovered Kikuchi Mika’s death, and allowed all of his secrets, all of his agony, all of his hurt, all of his pain, all of his misery to spill out of his once tightly sewn lips.

He will heal. He will learn how to live. He will learn how to swim. He will remember how to smile – but, first, first he must release the weight that tethers him to the bottom of the sea.

“Eight,” Tadashi admits quietly, one his sobs have managed to die down to hiccups.

“Eight what?” Asuka questions. She’s trembling as well as there’s a disconsolate echo in her eyes as she’s wrapped in her best friends’ arms. Tadashi spots Hinata, pale and quiet, clutching to Kageyama, peering at the world with those inquisitive, vibrant eyes of his. “Eight _what_ , onii-chan?”

Tadashi swallows before he whispers, “Eight years.”

_The sky is a peaceful blue as Tadashi finds himself cornered by three of his bullies. Predictably, there is no one around to save him from his regular tormentors but Tadashi’s used to being abandoned by all possible saving graces. He blocks out the insults that spill out of his classmate’s lips – whatever they say can’t be any worse than what Shunsuke spats out._

_They’re interrupted, however, by a tall blonde boy with glasses. His eyes are dark with irritation and his lips are twisted into something cruel as he says, “Pathetic.”_

_The boy isn’t staring at Tadashi – he’s staring at the bullies. The thoughts off his soulmate are swirling in Tadashi’s mind, speaking of how pathetic and idiotic some people are. Tadashi agrees with his soulmate and tells him of his predicament._

**_Freckles,_ ** _his soulmate thinks immediately, **do you have freckles?**_

_Yes, Tadashi thinks back, wondering why his soulmate chose to comment on_ _—_

_His classmates all but forgotten, Tadashi gawks and whispers, “K-Kei?”_

_The boy grinned, vibrant, lively, and says, “Tadashi.”_

For the time being, Tadashi had moved in with Kei and his family. The Tsukishima’s were considerate and kind to his presence, seeing as how he practically lived in the household half the time before. Akiteru gave him a light hug and a beaming, supportive beam. After he had admitted to the years he’s suffered, Tadashi managed to wrangle a promise out of Kageyama and Hinata to keep quiet about the abuse and his cousin.

The two have stuck close to Tadashi and Kei because of it.

Well, Tadashi’s aunt always said that traumatic experiences prove to be good friendship building.

Karasuno still doesn’t know what’s going on in his life. Tadashi isn’t ready to indulge that information, isn’t ready to unscrew that bottle of hurt and agony. He isn’t ready for the looks, for the tears, for the colorful insults aimed at a cousin that was no longer in his life. Shunsuke wasn’t dead but, after Tadashi stood firm on his stance that he didn’t want to press charges, was, instead, shipped off halfway across the country with a restraining order and orders to never show his face in the Miyagi Prefecture again.

Hinata is still his vibrant self but he switches on and off. He’s silent and concerned, hovering over both Kei and Tadashi, before switching to his more sunshine personality, before beginning the cycle all over again. The team notices the way Hinata changes disposition in split-seconds but Tadashi isn’t ready – not yet – to tell them of the monster that once haunted his shadows.

And then, one afternoon once practice was over, Sugawara asks, “ Yamaguchi? Are you okay now?”

Tadashi pauses and blinks at the third-year. There is a question in his orbs.

“You seem lighter,” Sugawara notes with a kind smile. “You’re smiling a lot more.”

The silence stretches for miles until Tadashi says, fingers gripping Kei’s, “Yeah. I’m okay, Sugawara-senpai. I promise.”

Tadashi isn’t lying – he is doing better. He doesn’t flinch or cower as much anymore. Sometimes, though, he does need to be reminded that Shunsuke is never entering the Yamaguchi household, and that his living nightmare had finally ended. He feels his lungs stretch with each breath and he feels Kei’s emotions flowing in his veins. Maybe one day he’d gather the courage to tell his team, his second family, but not now. Today wasn’t the day he would let them know. He wanted to heal first, he wanted to breathe again, he wished to learn how to swim through an ocean intent on seeing him drown.

**_Love you,_** Kei thinks.

Tadashi beams and murmurs, _I love you, too._

 

 


End file.
